haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
