the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I pour the whiskey from now on
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