I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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