if you like me you must not know who I am
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
