We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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