he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
