Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
