grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
