i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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