I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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