I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
