My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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