you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
