My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
