farters have to be the big spoon...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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