Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
