i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
