You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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