I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
