Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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