bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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