Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
