I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
