Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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