so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
