3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
