Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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