yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
