i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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