My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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