I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
