his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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