Who wears a wallet chain?!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
