Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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