I got chris browned last night
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
how drunk are you?
Several
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
