tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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