guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
