i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
