god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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