Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
