He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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