i don't like sucking hair
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
