he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
