Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
