Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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