It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
