I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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