you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
