I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
