# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
