Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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